For most of us in modern times, our parents neither help us to find a partner, and neither stop us from finding a partner (73:17, 42:14).
And then we are divided into two groups:
- Those who are ready to fall in many kinds of sins, just so that they can get married.
- Those who are even more ready to get married, but they do not want to achieve it sinfully. (2:273)
So for this last group of people, after doing a systematic review of ALL the verses in the Quran, we can identify three factors which you might want to keep in mind when considering a marriage partner. And these factors are valid for both males and females. But first, let’s mention some which are not actually that important from the Quran when facing the situation of a potential marriage partner:
- Not religion – So many forced marriages, so many missed opportunities, and even murder have happened simply because religious people did not read the Quran or the Bible carefully. Nowhere in the Quran do we find the prohibition for a man or for a woman to find a partner from a different religion. Yes, marrying an idol-worshiper is prohibited for the believers (2:221), but today you can find idol-worshipers in every religion, and you can also find believers in every religion. So, idol-worship does not have much to do with religion anymore. The Quran associates the allowance to marry someone, with the allowance to eat their food (5:5). So, the question is: Would you eat a chocolate which you buy in the market? You probably would. This means that you are allowed to marry the people who made that chocolate, and they are from different religions. And it does not matter if you are a male or a female, you are equally allowed to marry someone from another religion. Some dogmatic Muslims who have not analyzed this issue carefully, like to point out that the Quran mentions the allowance for men to marry Christian and Jewish women, while it does not mention for women the allowance to marry Christian and Jewish men. But let me tell you, that the Quran also does not mention the allowance for women to marry Muslim men. So, should the women not marry at all? No. The reason why God mentions the allowance for men and not for women is because men are supposed to initiate the marriage proposal, and God reveals the information on a need-to-know basis – so men need to know that, while women can just say “OK” or “Not OK”, to a man from any religion. And remember, what the Quran does not prohibit, it’s not prohibited (6:19, 38, 114, 115; 50:45). After all, religion today is only 2.5% of a person’s character, and more than half of that 2.5% is the same in all religions anyway – so let’s say that 1.5% is the same anyway – so this means that the difference in character between two people due to religion is only 1%. Would you refuse a glass of water, if it is 1% empty? Would you refuse someone, if they are only 1% different from you?
- Not age – It’s so silly and close-minded to say, “He is five years older than me!”, or “She is forty!” or similar statements. (11:72&73)
- Not family – Why would you care if someone’s brother is a bad person for example? You are not going to marry their brother.
- Not race
- Not ethnicity
- Not nationality
- Not social status
- Not wealth
- Not past history – It really does not matter who she was friends with in High-school. People change.
- Not what kind of music they like
- Not cooking abilities
- Not employment status
- etc.
Some people even consider hair color, or body type, or how many friends on Facebook you have. None of these are real factors in marriage.
The Quran gives us only one example of the process of finding a partner for marriage, and it is the example of Moses in chapter 28, verses 22 through 29, and from these verses, and even from the Bible we can deduce that Moses married someone from a different religion, different ethnicity, different race – without considering age, social status and so on.
Now, let’s list the three factors, from the Quran, which if you consider them, you will guarantee yourself a happy marriage:
- Righteousness (Soul beauty) (24:26). Approximately at your level.
- Smartness (Mind beauty) (39:9). Approximately at your level.
- Beauty (Facial beauty) (4:24). Approximately at your level.
And to make these factors practical, we need to add another one:
- Tolerance (your tolerance and their tolerance) (7:199, 64:14). No one is going to be exactly like you want them to be, and if you are not tolerant, it is never going to work. So, let’s say, you tolerate and marry someone slightly below your league, and God will definitely compensate you for it, or let’s say that you marry someone slightly above your league. Then you should be ready to compensate them with hard work, while letting them relax a little bit more.
Someone might try to prove to you that other factors must also be considered by asking questions like: “Would you marry a child?” The answer to that is: “A child is never smart enough.” “Would you marry a very old person?” Are they beautiful enough? “Would you marry a dogmatic terrorist?” They are not tolerant enough. As you can see, the four above mentioned criteria work, and they include other factors by default. So you do not need to use any other factors, because this article has managed to simplify it for you from thousands of factors, into only four important factors.
Now, pay attention that these are not rules for marriage. Marriage has only two rules, which are (1) Love and (2) Dowry – a gift for the bride (4:24), (See also clarification Marriage and Divorce Rules from the Quran” for further details).
By: Alban Fejza, the Clarifying Messenger